


hung up on you

by pipercase



Category: South Park
Genre: Getting Back Together, M/M, bendy and creek are there but not really important, the kydi is just a necessary step in getting to kyman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:08:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21528829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pipercase/pseuds/pipercase
Summary: When Cartman shows up out of the blue during Kyle’s freshman year at the University of Pennsylvania, both of them realize just how much they regret breaking up at the end of their senior year.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Eric Cartman, Kyle Broflovski/Heidi Turner
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	hung up on you

**Author's Note:**

> I’m really excited to write this?? I love the kyman dynamic a lot and I’m excited to write a multi chapter fic exploring it.

The first thing Kyle did when he woke up was scold himself for dreaming about South Park. 

He’d been at Stark’s Pond, watching Kenny fall hard and crash through the ice. Stan was there, right behind Kyle, complaining about his dad as he always did. If that had been all that the dream consisted of, Kyle could’ve forgiven himself.

The problem came when the dream changed scenes, bringing Kyle right to Eric Cartman’s doorstep. He immediately recognized the color of the door and the message on the welcome mat, and he felt such an extreme burst of frustration that he woke himself up.

He didn’t live in Colorado anymore! He was here, in Philadelphia, and there was no reason to be dreaming about the past. In fact, he’d promised himself countless times that he wouldn’t think about it at all. 

Of course, he had bi-weekly phone calls with Stan and less frequent texts with Kenny. He was able to separate them from all of the things he wished to forget. 

So, it was really the doorstep imagerythat was bothering him. College was supposed to be a fresh start, not an opportunity to dwell on your ex. Kyle was in a brand new city meeting brand new people and he was still plagued with memories and various pangs of regret. He hated himself for it.

He and Cartman hadn’t spoken for months. Not a text, not a call, not an angry voicemail. Never in a thousand years did Kyle imagine that Cartman could go this long without contacting him. 

As Kyle brushed his teeth, he tried and failed to get Eric Cartman out of his head. Right now, he was definitely back in South Park and—

Kyle checked the time. 

He was probably still sleeping. Cartman, like Kenny, had elected to stay in their shared home town rather than go off to college. Although, it wasn’t really a choice for either of them. Even the Marshes had to take out a loan to send Stan to the University of Denver, and Cartman and Kenny’s parents were considerably less well off than them.

Kyle remembered the day he got accepted into the University of Pennsylvania as the day he knew he had to abandon everything that was familiar to him. He was incredibly smart and very committed to his education. He was going to become an amazing lawyer one day, and...he was too good for South Park. He always had been.

So really, he had to remind himself more times than he’d like to admit, he and Cartman’s break up was a blessing in disguise. So what if he felt like he hadn’t gotten any closure, and he couldn’t get his ex boyfriend’s stupid face out of his head? He was far, far away from the insanity rooted at home and that was what mattered.

And anyway, his life was on the right track now. In four years, he would be taking classes at one of the best law schools in the country. His mother had practically begged him to get his bachelor’s degree at an in-state university, but he just couldn’t wait so long to transfer when everything in him was screaming to get away. He and Cartman’s eventual blow out fight only made the decision to move that much easier.

Now, he was really doing his best to enjoy college life. He lived in on-campus housing, and he liked his roommate...sort of. His professors were dull, but that wasn’t really the point. All of this was merely an obstacle he had to get through before he would officially be in law school. A four year long obstacle, yes, but he could manage.

As Kyle pulled on his orange hoodie, he heard his cell phone begin to ring. He smiled when he saw the caller ID.

“Wendy!” He answered. “Hey, what’s up?” 

He had met Wendy Testaburger on the first day of classes at UPenn. She was from Minnesota, and she and Kyle bonded over harsh winters and being the top students in their respective graduating classes.

She was just as motivated as he was, and more than once he found himself thinking about what it would’ve been like to have her there as a voice of reason while growing up in South Park. Sometimes it was was stressful being one of the only sane people in town.

“Kyle, hey!” She said. “Are we still on for lunch today?”

Kyle was grateful for her call, because he spent so long studying the night before that he’d completely forgotten about the plans he made to go to lunch with Wendy and her girlfriend.

“Oh, yeah!” He said. “I’ll meet you guys there after my class, okay?”

“Sounds great. Good luck taking Whitman’s impossible notes.”

Kyle groaned at the reference to one of his hardest professors.

“Gee, thanks.”

“Oh! And listen, Kyle,” Wendy said, her tone changing into something a little more serious.

“I don’t like the sound of that.”

“It’s nothing bad! I just...want to introduce you to someone. Can I?”

Kyle debated asking if he heard her correctly.

“Sorry, what?”

“A girl, Kyle! I think you two might really hit it off.”

Kyle was a little embarrassed about it, but he hadn’t made any great strides in expanding his circle of friends past Wendy and her girlfriend. He felt a little hesitant about suddenly being thrown into this attempted set up.

“A girl?” He asked. “I don’t know, dude. What’s she like?”  


In truth, he was almost as apprehensive about the idea of going to a party as he was about being introduced to a girl. Wendy had invited him to a few since they became friends, and each time he’d turned her down. He hated the idea of being trapped at an event with drunk and obnoxious people.   


Kyle himself had barely even touched alcohol since he arrived at college, spare for a few beers here and there. He knew that if he got drunk, he would likely start to think about the nights he’d spent doing the same with his friends back home. He didn’t really feel like getting nostalgic. 

“She’s great!” Wendy said excitedly. “Her name’s Heidi, and she’s super smart. And she’s gorgeous! I promise you’ll like her.”

“Oh. I don’t know...”

“Just think about it, okay?” Wendy said. “I’ll tell you more about her at lunch.”

Kyle nodded, feeling some of the pressure being lifted off his shoulders.

“Great.” He said. “I’ve got to get going, okay? I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay. See you after class!”

“Yeah, bye.”

Upon hanging up, Kyle stuck his phone in his jacket pocket, grabbed his backpack, and headed out the door. As soon as he stepped outside, he could feel that something was off.

Oddly, the chill of winter struck him with more potency than he would have expected. It was early February, but Kyle thought his hoodie and long sleeve T-shirt would be enough to keep him warm. The air felt...weird. Almost foreboding. He shook that thought away and turned around, unlocking his door and hurriedly grabbing a coat from a hook filled with other jackets and hoodies before making his way toward the lecture hall.

His morning class was as unsatisfying as they all were. The professor spoke in perfect monotone, and Kyle gave absorbing the boring material his best shot.

The main thing about college, Kyle had noticed immediately, was how much bigger everything was. Back at home, Kyle was noticeably smart. Here, that stroke to his ego was missing. He was just one person in a sea of other very, very smart kids.

While he took notes, his mind wandered to what Wendy had mentioned. She wanted him to meet someone? He’d been in his new environment since August, and somehow dating had barely crossed his mind. He still wasn’t sure if it was something he was interested in.

He’d been throwing all of his weight into school, probably in order to distract himself from the constant stream of unwanted thoughts that snuck their way into the forefront of his mind. Still, meeting a smart and pretty girl didn’t sound so bad.

As class ended, Kyle began making his way toward he and Wendy’s favorite place to meet on campus. He wondered what Heidi looked like.

As soon as he entered the restaurant, Kyle was ushered in by an excited Wendy. She was sitting in a booth wearing a dark purple coat, her hair braided neatly down her back. Next to her, her girlfriend, Bebe, was showing off an enviously white smile.

“Kyle!” She said when he sat down. “We ordered you a Sprite.”

Kyle smiled at them both in lieu of a greeting.

“Thanks, dude!” He said. “What’s up?”

“My girlfriend is a little too obsessed with your love life, honestly.” Bebe joked. “It’s starting to freak me out.”

“I’m not obsessed!” Wendy said defensively. “I just really think that you and Heidi would get along! Let me show you a picture, okay?”

Kyle just nodded obediently, taking a sip of his drink as Wendy searched through her camera roll. In spite of his nerves, he felt at flicker of excitement at the prospect of meeting someone new.

“Here!” Wendy said after a few minutes, flipping her phone around to show him.

On the screen was a picture of a girl in a green sundress, smiling. Her brown hair was cut just below her ears, and she was undeniably cute. Still, looking at her didn’t make Kyle feel much of anything.

“She’s really nice!” Wendy insisted before he could even comment.

Kyle wished he could explain how far from the problem that was. Heidi was pretty, and he wholeheartedly believed all of the other wonderful things Wendy was telling him about her. He just wasn’t sure if he was ready to start dating again. His relationship with Cartman had ended months ago, but...somehow, it still popped into Kyle’s mind during moments like this.

Having grown up in the same small town for his entire life, he’d never even considered the strangeness of being exposed to such an enormous dating pool. It all felt pretty overwhelming.

As Wendy continued flipping through Heidi’s Instagram and showing him all the pictures she deemed to accurately show off her true beauty, Kyle felt a gnawing sensation begin to form in his stomach. He was trying to focus on the conversation at hand, but something didn’t feel right.

“So, you’ll come to the party?” Wendy asked.

Kyle pushed down the weird feeling and considered the question for a moment. He would really have preferred to go home and study, but he felt like there were only so many times you could decline a person’s invitation before it was considered rude. Besides, maybe he and Heidi would really hit it off.

“Yeah.” He said. “I’ll be there.”

“Great!” Bebe said. “You’re just gonna love her, Kyle! I’ll text you the address right now.”

Kyle smiled stiffly, still unable to ignore the burning dread in the pit of his stomach. The change in mood must’ve shown on his face, because Wendy gave him a concerned look.

“Do you feel okay?” She asked.

Kyle was about answer with some lie about being tired, but suddenly he felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him. Without knowing why, he became overcome with anxiety.

“Woah!” Wendy said, having watched his eyes grow suddenly wide. “What’s going on, Kyle?”

Once again, he didn’t get the opportunity to answer. This time, it was because all of his senses abruptly narrowed in on a small sound: the door to the restaurant had opened, triggering the ring of a bell. Kyle’s head immediately jerked up to look over, and what he saw confirmed the reason for his sudden sense of impending doom.

Cartman, of all the fucking people in the world, was standing there with a rolling suitcase and looking completely nonchalant. Kyle gasped involuntarily, then immediately felt embarrassed about it. Confused, the girls turned around in the booth to see who’d just walked in. In the same instant that they did, Cartman looked up and caught Kyle’s eye.

As shocked gripped Kyle’s throat, an unexpected image popped into his head. It wasn’t of their break up or any of the many, many other fights they’d had over the years. It was a year old memory of he and Cartman, kissing on the couch in Cartman’s living room on a day when no one else was home. At the time, Kyle had felt so electric with love.

Cartman had been the most important person in his life for a long a time, and memories like this still filled him with warmth. He’d been thinking about Cartman since the moment they broke things off, but that didn’t mean he was emotionally prepared to see him now.

“Oh my god.” He muttered, wondering if he could still make a break for it.

Eric Cartman could not be standing here, in a random Chili’s in Pennsylvania. Eric Cartman had to be back home in South Park, playing video games on his couch or smoking with Kenny.

Despite all the voices in his head telling him that it couldn’t be possible, Kyle knew that his eyes weren’t deceiving him. Cartman was wearing a dark green sweater and flouncing toward his table with a wide grin on his face.

“Wow! Kyle, is that you?” He asked, his voice sickeningly sweet and patently fake.

Kyle felt as though he’d left his body. Even with three months’ warning, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t have been prepared for this. The number of conflicting feelings rushing to his head made everything feel blurry.

“What do you think you’re doing here?” He managed to get out, his voice strained and raspy with shock.

“Just  visiting , Kyle.” He said, as though it were as simple as that. Before Kyle could fly off the handle, he turned his attention to the girls.

“Nice to meet you.” He said in a voice that Kyle was sure must seem sincere to these strangers in front of him.

“Likewise.” Wendy responded, offering him a hand to shake but regarding him somewhat skeptically. “I’m Wendy.”

“Hi, I’m Bebe!”

“I’m Eric.” Cartman said pleasantly. “I’m sure you’ve heard all about me from my dear friend Kyle.”

“I can’t...say I have.” Wendy said.

Cartman twisted his face into one of deep hurt, and Kyle noticed that Wendy didn’t appear to be buying it. Bebe, the more optimistic of the two, just continued to smile politely.

“Why, Kyle!” Cartman exclaimed. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!”

Finally, Kyle snapped out of whatever stupor he’d found himself in that had kept him silent for so long as Cartman attempted to manipulate his friends.

“You’re such a piece of shit.” He announced, the words rolling off his tongue like old habit.

“It’s great to see you too, Kyle!” Cartman shot back as the girls watched in confused, horrified awe.

“Don’t be a smartass!” Kyle snapped. “I asked you what the fuck you think you’re doing here!”

“And I told you!” Cartman said. “I’m  _visiting_ . Am I not allowed to explore the country, Kyle?”

Sensing the obvious tension, Bebe decided to intervene.

“So, Eric, where are you staying while you’re in town?” She asked.

Cartman fixed his expression into a frown, training his gaze toward the ground. Because he could read Cartman like a second language, he anticipated that a sob story was coming. 

“Well, that’s the thing.” Cartman began. “I can’t really afford to stay anywhere. I guess I’ll be sleeping...on the streets tonight.” 

“Oh, what the fuck?” Kyle asked angrily, causing Cartman to raise his head. 

“What, Kyle?” He asked, the sad look still on his face. 

“There’s no way you’re really sleeping in the fucking streets.” Kyle said. “You’re totally lying.” 

He ignored the way Bebe was looking at him now, like he was some monster accusing an impoverished nomad of being dishonest. 

“Why would I lie about something like that?” Cartman asked, looking almost exactly like a sad puppy dog. 

Kyle looked at him, then at his suitcase. It was almost too big for a spontaneous trip. It was so big, in fact, that it almost seemed as though Cartman was planning on...Kyle shooed the thought away from his head. 

“You don’t have  _anywhere_ you could go?” He asked. “A motel?” 

Cartman shook his head. 

“I’m afraid I can’t afford those kind of luxuries.” He said mildly. “Not all of us can afford out of state tuition, and—“ 

“I got a scholarship, you asshole!” 

“Woah, woah!” Wendy said, alarmed by the sudden volume of his voice. 

Kyle and Cartman ignored her completely, now engaged in a silent battle of wills. They both just stared the other down, unable to look away or speak first. An image popped into Kyle’s mind of Cartman sleeping in an alley somewhere, his head on cold concrete. He wished he could just say _go back to Colorado, you massive dick_ ,  but he truly couldn’t bring himself to. 

Really, he had missed their back and forth. Subconsciously, he guessed he’d been itching for some kind of argument that wasn’t with a barista about how much sugar she’d put in his coffee. Cartman brought chaos with him wherever he went, and Kyle felt a twinge of shame as he realized that he wanted to see what happened next.

If he was being honest with himself, there was a part of him that filled with excitement when he saw Cartman walk in the restaurant. He almost felt...relieved. Like after so many months of pretending to be over something, he was being given a chance to finally admit how much he wasn’t. He sighed. 

“Just...just fucking sleep on my couch then, Cartman.” He said exasperatedly. 

As Kyle should have expected, that was all it took to make the false sadness disappear from Cartman’s face. 

“Your couch, Kyle?” He asked, sounding unbelievably pleased with himself. 

Kyle felt conflicted. On one hand, there was no way he was letting Cartman sleep out on the streets of a cold and unfamiliar city. On the other hand, he had volunteered himself to accommodate his ex boyfriend. His ex boyfriend who obviously still harbored feelings for him, judging by the fact that he had randomly appeared for a surprise visit. 

“Can I talk to you outside?” Kyle asked.

“Of course, Kyle.” Cartman said amiably.

Kyle immediately stood from the booth, sparing Bebe and Wendy an apologetic glance before grabbing Cartman by the arm and steering him outside. The winter chill hit his skin harshly.

“You know,” Kyle said as soon as they were a reasonable distance away from the restaurant’s door, “I distinctly remember you telling me you  _never wanted to see me again._

Cartman only shrugged. 

“And? We both said things we didn’t mean, Kyle. You honestly expect me to believe that you wish you’d never met me?” 

Hearing his own words echoed back to him made Kyle feel slightly ill. 

“You’re not my boyfriend anymore, Cartman.” He said firmly 

Without any spectators, Cartman was able to drop any pretenses. The way he transformed from a well meaning old friend into the person Kyle really knew was practically a physical shift. Kyle crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Right.” Cartman said. “But I’m still your nemesis—which means...I reserve the right to suddenly appear in your life at any moment, Kyle. Besides, it’s not like you mind.”

Kyle’s eyes widened at that, and he tilted his head to the side mockingly. 

“I don’t?” He asked. “That’s weird, because it sure fucking feels like I do!” 

Kyle’s apparent annoyance didn’t phase Cartman in the slightest bit. In fact, he let out a small chuckle.

“Oh my god, Kyle.” He said, an infuriatingly smug look on his face. “Do you not know? You’re totally still in love with me.” 

Kyle recoiled. 

“Sorry, what? You followed  _me_ across the country, not the other way around!”

” _Across the country_ is a little dramatic, don’t you think? Besides, my being here has absolutely nothing to do with you.”

Kyle laughed, surprised that Cartman would even attempt to pass that utter bullshit off as the truth. 

“I know you, Kyle.” Cartman said confidently. “No matter what you say, I can tell you still care about me.”

Kyle rolled his eyes. 

“You’re my friend, Cartman.” He said. “Of course I care about y—“

“Care about me in a  _romantic_ way, Kyle. Cartman corrected. Kyle raised an eyebrow.

“Might I ask how the fuck you came to that conclusion?” He asked. “Was it a prophetic vision or what?”

Cartman tutted disapprovingly.

“Kyle, Kyle.” He chided. “The sarcasm isn’t necessary! Do you typically offer up your apartment to people you aren’t romantically interested in?”

Kyle glowered at him.

“You guilt tripped me, you bitch!” He said. “Do you want me to throw you out on the streets?”

Even as he said it, Kyle knew it was an empty threat. By the way Cartman was looking at him, it seemed like he knew that too.

“You know, Kyle, I should really leave you alone with your lunch dates.” He declared suddenly.

Kyle blinked, feeling as though he’d been left behind.

“What?”

“We’re both busy men, Kyle!” He said. “I’ll take your address now and meet you at your place later tonight.”

Instantly, images of destroyed furniture and a raided fridge manifested in Kyle’s mind. His feelings of distrust toward Cartman had returned like an old friend.

“No way.” He said. “I’ll give you the address to a party I’m going to tonight, and you just...meet me there. Around 1 in the morning, probably? You can find some way to entertain yourself until then, can’t you?”

He wordlessly grabbed Cartman’s phone from out of his hand, punching in the passcode without even having to think about it. As he began typing the address on the digital notepad, Cartman smirked. 

“Worried about me having a good day, Kyle?” He asked.

“Goodbye, Cartman.” Kyle said, ignoring the question. “One o’ clock, right?”

“I’ll be there, Kyle.” Cartman said. “Have a nice lunch.”

With that surprisingly pleasant sentiment, he turned around, left the restaurant’s property and began walking down the street. Despite himself, Kyle felt a pang of worry as he watched him go. He didn’t want him getting into any trouble.

As Cartman strolled away casually, dragging along his huge suitcase, Kyle comforted himself with the knowledge that he would most definitely just go find the nearest McDonald’s or something. Hopefully, he’d just find somewhere to stay put until it was time to meet up with Kyle later.

Kyle swung the door to the restaurant open a little two quickly, residual tension traveling through his arm. As he entered, he was met by a rush of warm air and two questioning stares.

“So!” He said, immediately launching into an attempt to change the subject. “Should we order now?”

Wendy looked unimpressed.

“Not so fast, Broflovski.” She said. “You aren’t appeasing us that quickly. Who the hell was that?”

Kyle let out a deep breath. His effort to distract from he and Cartman’s altercation had been worth a shot, but he knew it probably wouldn’t work.

“Uh.” He said awkwardly, taking his seat. “Well...”

“Spill.” Bebe ordered firmly.

“Thatwasmyexboyfriend.” Kyle said quickly, not giving any of the words room to breathe.

The girls took a moment to process what was just said before letting their mouths fall open.

“That was your  _ex_?”  Bebe asked, sounding incredulous. 

“Your ex  _boyfriend?_ ” Wendy clarified, an equal amount of surprise written on her face. “Wow, and I thought I was good at reading people.” 

“Yeah!” Bebe agreed, appearing to hang onto his every word. “I never would’ve guessed that you swung that way, Kyle.” 

Kyle groaned. His new friends had met Cartman for less than five minutes, and already he was losing control of the conversation. That was what Cartman did: he stirred things up until everything was completely insane. 

“I don’t!” He insisted. “I’m straight.” 

The girls blinked at him, understandably confused. 

“...oh, you are?” Bebe asked. “I guess the whole boyfriend thing threw us off.” 

“It’s not—“ He began, then stopped short and paused, giving his next words some greater thought. 

Wendy and Bebe exchanged a concerned glance as he played with the straw in his drink. Wendy kindly said nothing about the fact that Kyle had gone on a rather pompous rant about the city’s lack of ecological awareness only a week before and was...now using a plastic drinking straw as nothing more than something to nervously fidget with. “Cartman doesn’t  _count_ .” Kyle explained when he’d finally settled on his choice of words. “I’ve always been straight other than him, and he’s just...it’s just different!”

He hoped that he could somehow communicate the entire lifespan of his friendship/rivalry/relationship with Cartman in just these few words. Unfortunately, that was completely impossible. 

“I’ve never heard someone call an ex by their last name before.” 

Wendy’s tone was simply curious, but Kyle still translated it into an accusation. He was growing more and more defensive as the conversation progressed. 

“Well, Cartman is  evil !” He finally announced, his voice exploding all over the table. 

Wendy’s face screwed up into a confused expression, and Bebe glanced out the window as though tactfully looking away from a trainwreck. 

“What do you mean  _evil_ ?” 

For first time since Kyle had moved away from home, he recognized that something he’d been deathly afraid of was happening right before his eyes. That is, he was in a position in which he had to explain events that took place in South Park to non-South Park residents. This was a difficult task, to say the very least, because rarely did anything that occurred in his hometown make even a little bit of sense. 

What exactly was he supposed to say?  _Oh, he was completely out of his mind until he got put on medication. He was more sadistic than Ted Bundy when we were kids, but me and my friends kept him around for the laughs. By the way, I never stop thinking about him._

Kyle’s body began to feel hot as he imagined exposing himself for who he really was. If he explained who Cartman was (or at least who he had been for so long), Wendy would see that for all his talk of ethics, Kyle was really an immoral fraud. What kind of person would willingly spend time around a person who did the things Cartman had done? What kind of person would fall in _love_ with them ? 

There was no context to cushion the blow for these girls. If Kyle was honest, then their lack of experience with South Park would render him a complete lunatic. They would have no way of understanding how, in comparison to the other shit that went on in the small mountain town, it could sometimes be easy to forget just how warped they all were. 

Kyle felt an inkling of guilt begin to creep in. Like or not, he had played a role in enabling the monstrosity that was Eric Cartman. No matter how much either of them had changed since, it was impossible to erase the events of their past. 

“Sorry.” He said, covering his tracks. “I was just being dramatic. Bad break up, and all. Cartman’s...fine.”

Immediately, Kyle convinced himself that lying by omission in this case was completely acceptable. He’d worked so hard to get himself so far away from South Park, and he owed himself the privilege of cutting ties with the past. 

“He’s cute!” Bebe said. 

Kyle thought about Cartman’s double chin and the slightly off putting sound of his voice and wondered if she was lying. He knew that the person he saw when he looked at Cartman was attractive, but he had a feeling that his interpretation was very different from the average person’s. 

“God, don’t say that.” Kyle said automatically, making a face. Wendy laughed. 

“You don’t want people to think that your ex is cute?” She asked. 

“Just...never say that in front of him.” Kyle warned. “It’ll go right to his head.” 

The girls laughed, and Kyle could sense their growing curiosity. Soon, they’d probably be curious about other things he didn’t want to talk about it. 

“Are you bringing him to the party tonight?” Wendy asked. “I can always explain the situation to Heidi.” 

Quickly, Kyle shook his head. He couldn’t allow Cartman show up out of nowhere and change the trajectory he was on. Cartman’s reappearance was admittedly unexpected, but throwing away the chance to meet a girl would be doing exactly what he wanted Kyle to do. 

“No way!” He assured her. “That won’t be necessary. Cartman isn’t coming to the party! Tell Heidi I’d love to meet her.” 

“Perfect!” Wendy said, smiling brightly as she looked down at her phone, presumably texting Heidi the good news. 

“So...” Bebe said, looking at Kyle a little suspiciously. “Your roommate is gonna be cool with the fact that you’re bringing a guest over?” 

Immediately, Kyle brought a hand up and smacked himself in the forehead. Leave it to Cartman to rile him up so much that he forgot he had a roommate.

“Fuck!” He said. “I completely forgot to factor that in. Do you think he’ll be pissed?”

“Depends.” Wendy said thoughtfully. “Does he like making new friends?”

Kyle screwed his face up.

“Not particularly.”

The girls looked at each other, then back at him. He wondered what it would be like to be so in sync with your partner, rather than always on two completely opposite wavelengths.

“Do you think you should just go talk to him now?” Wendy asked. “We wouldn’t mind if you had to leave.”

Kyle weighed his options. Stay here with his friends and eat steak and french fries, or go find his roommate and try to explain to him why Eric Cartman should be allowed in their apartment. He took a sip of his drink. 

“No.” He said with emphasis. “I’ll just have to deal with that later.”  
••••

Kyle’s roommate was tall, dark haired, and incredibly quiet. He was enrolled in the school’s highly regarded aerospace engineering program, and he hardly ever engaged in conversation with Kyle. On move in day, the first words he ever spoke to him were:

“I’m gay. So if that bothers you...you’re a fucking dick.”

It wasn’t until a few days later that Kyle even learned his name, Craig Tucker. Even now, all these months later, all Kyle really knew of him was that he loved space documentaries, he kept a guinea pig in his room, and he had a boyfriend. Kyle had gotten a few glimpses of his lock screen picture, which displayed a slightly blurry image of a blonde boy.

Talking to Craig about their surprise visitor wasn’t something that Kyle was looking forward to, especially when all he could think about was Cartman. More than once he thought about texting him to ask where he was, but he stopped himself every time. It would feel too much like conceding.

When Kyle got back from lunch, Craig was hunched over on the couch, staring at his laptop. He was likely focused on writing a paper, which made Kyle all the more hesitant to approach him.

“Uh...Craig?” He asked. “Is now a good time?”

Craig glanced up at him, already annoyed to be interrupted. He looked like he didn’t understand why on Earth Kyle might be talking to him.

“I want to ask you something.” Kyle said. “Kind of a favor.”

Craig just kept staring at him, completely unimpressed. Kyle absolutely hated people who didn’t speak their minds, and he felt a stab of annoyance at Craig’s silence.

“So...is this a good time or not?” He repeated. Craig sighed deeply and shut his laptop.

“I guess.” He said blankly. “What do you want?”

Kyle readied himself for a possible argument, wondering in the back of his head if he could afford to buy Cartman a motel room if this didn’t go well.

“I have this friend.” He began. “And he showed up in town today without any warning, so—“

“He sounds like a douchebag.” Craig deadpanned.

Unsure how to respond to that, Kyle just continued his original thought.

“Yeah, kind of. But, the thing is...” 

He trailed off, suddenly sheepish. He wasn’t sure how to rationalize the fact that he was pretty much folding the moment Cartman needed something. Given their history, it was even more embarrassing.

“Just spit it out, dude.” Craig said.

Kyle inhaled again in preparation.

“Can he stay here?” He asked, the words coming out quickly.

Craig blinked at him, and Kyle almost wanted to ask if he’d even been listening at all.

“For how long?” He asked.

Kyle wasn’t really sure how to answer that. Cartman’s suitcase was huge, so he was certainly planning on staying more than just a weekend. Kyle also had to consider who he was dealing with, and the fact that nothing was too crazy for him. In all honesty, he wouldn’t be surprised if Cartman intended on staying  forever , but he wasn’t about to mention that to Craig.

“Well...full disclosure: I have no idea.” Kyle said. 

Craig’s face actually conveyed an emotion in response, which was more than Kyle had ever expected. He looked genuinely startled.

“What?” He asked, seemingly taken aback by the audacity of Kyle’s request.

“Please?” Kyle asked. “I’d really owe you one.”

Craig just looked at him for a few moments, and then focused his vision toward the space on the wall in front of him. It was perhaps the least rash decision making that Kyle had ever witnessed.

“Is this guy annoying?” He asked after the extended, pensive pause was over.

Kyle cringed. He really hadn’t gone into this conversation with any attention of lying, but Craig was making it pretty impossible to be transparent while also getting what he wanted.

“Never.” He said, a little surprised by how easily the lie slipped out.

Slowly, Craig nodded.

“Then, fine.” He said. “I don’t care if your friend stays here, but...you owe me one.” 

Kyle could’ve hugged him, but he was pretty positive that they would both absolutely loathe the experience. Instead, he just smiled politely.

“Of course!” He promised. “Thank you so much!”

Craig’s stress over Kyle’s question had evaporated completely, and he was back to just looking bored.

“Yeah.” He said. “Now, can I please get back to what I was doing?”

After a nod and some more profuse offers of thanks from Kyle, Craig just opened his laptop and got back to work.

Taking that as his cue to leave, Kyle sighed with relief and made a beeline toward his room. As he shut the door behind him, returning to his solace, there was really only one thing on his mind.

Somewhere between seeing Cartman walk into the restaurant and returning to his own apartment, he’d realized that there was someone he needed to call. Someone who would likely have first hand knowledge about Cartman’s motivations. 

It had been a solid few weeks since Kyle had a real conversation with Kenny. He’d called during Hanukkah to wish Kyle a happy holiday, and they’d ended up talking for more than an hour. Kenny confided him about his job at the gas station and how he always ended up spending his paycheck on things for his family that welfare didn’t cover. Kyle had expressed his feelings of guilt over deciding not to come home for the holidays. His mom called him on all eight days of Hanukkah, alternating between getting teary eyed and blubbery and passing the phone off to Ike

Needless to say, his last conversation with Kenny had been pretty heavy and very cathartic. Kyle wasn’t thinking about that now, as he furiously pushed Kenny’s contact on his phone.

“Kyle, hey!” Kenny said when he picked up. “Long time, no talk. How’ve you been?”

Kyle could’ve killed him for the nice guy act he was putting on. If Cartman had told anyone about his plans to arrive in Pennsylvania, it would’ve been Kenny.

“Cut the crap!” Kyle said immediately. “Do you know that he was gonna fucking do this?”

Kenny didn’t even bother playing dumb, and Kyle heard him sigh deeply on the other end of the phone.

“Was I supposed to stop him?” He asked, already exhausted by the conversation.

“Yes!” Kyle said. “You just...set me up to have my life totally ruined by Cartman! What kind of friend are you?”

All of the hurt, uncertainty, and anger of the day had built up and was overflowing into Kyle’s voice. Maybe this situation wasn’t entirely Kenny’s fault, but he just didn’t have the emotional capacity to fight with Cartman at the moment.

“What is he doing here?” Kyle demanded before Kenny could respond to his previous, mostly rhetorical question.

“Fulfilling your destiny, I guess.” Kenny said sarcastically. “You didn’t seriously believe that the two of you would never speak again, right?”

“Yes, Kenny.” Kyle said, irritated. “I seriously believed that.”

That wasn’t really the truth. Knowing that Cartman was in the same city as him was weird, but he couldn’t exactly say that it felt unnatural. He felt slightly stupid for ever thinking he could genuinely leave someone so important in his past.

“Frankly, I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long without at least a fight.”

Kyle was not in the mood for Kenny’s dry tone. He wanted answers, and he wanted to get them without being forced to wade through some intense conversation about he and Cartman’s relationship.

“Yeah, we were really going strong!” He snapped. “And then you let him fly on over to Philly and fuck everything up.”

Kenny made a little sound of righteous indignation.

“I didn’t  let  him do anything. And besides, you can’t act like you didn’t miss him.”

Kyle’s displeasure instantly boiled over into fury, and he wished he had something in his hand to throw at the wall. This was a point in the conversation that he’d been hoping they could avoid.

“I don’t miss him!” He insisted. “Why the fuck would you even say that?”

Briefly, Kenny chuckled.

“Because, dude!” He said. “Stan told me how often you bring him up when you guys talk on the phone. He says you’re always asking what he’s been up to.”

Kyle was going to  _ kill  _ Stan .  Just because he was  _ sometimes _ curious about what Cartman was doing, that didn’t mean he  _ missed _ him. He totally did, but Stan had no way of knowing that.

“You guys talk about me behind my back?” Kyle asked, the treachery of it all making his head spin.

“Don’t get mad at us because you’re still hung up on Cartman, dude.”

Kyle felt his hands curl into fists, but he decided not to reply. It would’ve been vicious and loud, and he was saving that all that energy for when Cartman inevitably crossed a line.

“Where’s Cartman staying?” Kenny asked suddenly.

That question only increased Kyle’s vexation tenfold, and he had to suck in a deep breath before giving Kenny his exuberant response:

“In my fucking apartment, on my fucking couch! He’s so—!”

“Tell him to go home, then.” Kenny said simply.

Kyle froze, shutting his mouth. Somehow, that wasn’t an idea he’d considered.

“Well...I can’t just do that.” He said stupidly, growing embarrassed. He could picture the knowing look on Kenny’s face.

“You can’t?” Kenny asked. “Huh. It seems like you could easily kick him out, Kyle.”

Kyle growled in frustration. He’d called Kenny primarily to get all of his feelings off his chest, not to have all of his stupid choices pointed out.

Could he technically force Cartman to leave whenever he wanted to? Obviously. But he, Kenny, Cartman, and anyone else who grew up with them knew that that wasn’t how they operated. This was far from the first time Kyle had taken Cartman out of the cold or kept him safe from unknown danger.

“Kenny, dude!” He exclaimed. “Whose side are you on?”

“Holy shit, Kyle.” Kenny replied, sounding aggravated. “Why does there always need to be two sides with you guys?”

“Because one of us is a complete lunatic!”

“Yeah, and one of you is letting that lunatic crash in your living room after he essentially stalked you to your new place.”

Kyle felt silent again, searching for some way to combat Kenny’s reality check. He didn’t want to face the fact that he was the one sabotaging himself. He decided that changing the subject was his best course of action.

“Have you seen Stan recently?”

Kenny didn’t miss a beat, going with the flow of Kyle’s random conversation shift.

“Dude, Stan‘s in fucking Denver.” He said. “We hung out for a while on Christmas, but that’s about it.”

Kyle sighed. Even though he had been the one to move out of state, the thought of he and his best friends growing apart scared him.

“Stan hung out with you on Christmas Day?” Kyle asked. “Why wasn’t he with his family?”

“Because of Randy, dude.” Kenny said, leaving the statement to explain itself. “He doesn’t want to deal with that shit.”

Kyle rolled his eyes, memories of a drunk Randy Marsh filling his head. He wished Stan could just spend time with his mom and his sister without his dad fucking everything up.

“Stan keeps telling me he wants to come visit soon.” Kyle said. “You in?”

There was a vaguely awkward pause, during which Kyle realized exactly what Kenny’s response would be.

“I’ll have to see, dude.” He said. “I hate leaving Karen alone, you know?”

Kyle nodded, feeling guilty and dumb for even asking. Kenny’s little sister was always his priority, and Kyle doubted he would abandon her with their unstable parents just for some weekend trip.

“I totally understand.” Kyle said. “And, Ken...I’m sorry I got mad at you. I’m just really confused right now.”

He didn’t have to say any more for a Kenny to grasp what (or who) he was so confused about. His new, superficially fantastic life had just been turned completely upside down.

“No hard feelings, dude.” Kenny said. “But I should get going, okay?”

“Right. Talk to you soon?”

“Of course. And Kyle?”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe you and Cartman should try not to fuck things up this time around.” 

Sagely, Kenny chose to hang up before Kyle could go completely berserk. Kyle just glared at his for a second before moving on, sitting down on his bed.

His day so far had been an exhausting whirlwind. He’d had himself convinced that he was turning into a new and improved Kyle: College Edition. Then Cartman had shown up and challenged that idea completely.

Evidently, he still craved all of the things he hated himself for craving: Cartman, fighting with Cartman, being with Cartman, the sound of Cartman’s voice. And now Cartman was staying in the same apartment with him, at least for the weekend. He was so fucked.

All Kyle really wanted to do was crawl under his covers and sleep the afternoon away, but he couldn’t. He still had homework, and he had to deal with Cartman, and—

He groaned aloud, putting his face in his hands as he sat on the side of his bed. In all the stress of his last two conversations, he’d completely forgotten about the party.

**Author's Note:**

> s/o my gf, who helped me with so many ideas for this story since I’ve officially converted her into a kyman


End file.
